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I did one of these earlier in the week and it was ok. I had planned on yelling about a Beyonce song but I really cannot be bothered finding one I really hate. They’re a mild annoyance but I’m certain I can discuss the bullshit feminist propaganda songs she’s been putting out. However, more important things have been brought to my attention. And so I bring you, One Direction - “What Makes You Beautiful”
Let me start with the story line of the song because I think that’s important. It’s standard, guy likes girl but the girl isn’t the hot cheerleader, it’s the cute chick who has such self esteem issue that she doubts how good is she really is. Fair enough. Harmless. The kinda thing you expect in a Hillary Duff movie maybe or a live action Disney flick. Ok. The problem is, that it’s harmless. There’s no sense of challenge, confrontation or even danger. People say, “Oh that’s good, there’s far too much immoral crap in our media these days, a little harmless fun is… well, harmless,”. BULLSHIT. It’s as dangerous as it is stupid. The fact is that the girl these guys are singing to should be strong enough to work out her own fears on her own. And in relaity she probably doesn’t want these nice guys. I’ve said it before and I’ll say again, romance exists in fiction only. The nice guy is what girls want but they want to make a nice guy out of a bad boy. But let’s move on before someone has a shot at me.
The song itself is pretty standard in length, sound and vocals. It’s very much produced and you can tell that it was just a record company who got some writers together, some producers and editors and just sent them into a studio to knock out some cheap crap. The music itself, starts with a pretty “Grease” reminiscent start. The melody is very constructed. Weak on the verses, rising to the chorus and rising again to the catch phrase. They use the old stand by of when in doubt just go “Na-na-na-na” and they even threw in some old fashioned background slow clapping. This, with the fucking quiet, vocals only chorus/bridge before the big finish, just shows how fucking unoriginal and slapped together this is. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure the kids in the group are talented but some how I doubt they wrote this themselves. They might have, considering how many elements of other songs and other boy bands they’ve recycled, but it just seems like someone wanted money. So, they throw together a song from the scraps of other projects and then just find some guys to stand in front of it.
The lyrics are also stock standard. Very simple, rhyme easy and when in doubt they just stutter it. Verses consist of two lines which are lengthened out by the stutter. The stutter is constant on the vocals. And any fucking song which includes, “I put it in a s-s-song” is beyond useless.
Right, now the film clip. Usually, I do this at the start but seeing as this is about 50% of my little “review” I’m doing it now.
Whatever happened to the boy band and the really questionable single male artist. Back in the day, you had the Backstreet Boys, NSYNC and Ricky Martin. Pretty much only teen girls gave a fuck about the two boy bands and desperate women over the age of 35 loved Ricky Martin. He was wearing leather pants that resembled riding shorts. Enough said as to why the older chicks were into him. Anyway, they were at least old enough to buy a fucking drink and you knew that they were unopposed to banging groupies. Except Ricky Martin, he’s dedicated to his boyfriend. However, if this is the 21st century’s answer to those guys then we’re stuck with One Direction, the Jonas Brothers and Justin Beiber. Now, they’re all young, cleaner than fresh sheets and scream a revisit to the days of the ‘50’s with their good clean fun attitude.
So, the film clip pretty much resembles a Christian Teenage Bible Camp ad or at least the cover art for a Christian Rock band’s album. It just promotes good clean fun. Here’s where you catch your Grease reference. They start at a beach, have the same sort of tune right at the beginning and the entire thing is ridiculous. You just wonder how anyone would like it. As to the band themselves, they are so metrosexual I think they spent more time in make up than the chicks who appear in the clip.
The entire thing screams that classic return to “good clean fun” that the moral-conscious idiots of the world are demanding. They’re not after the hottest chicks, which is fair enough, they’re out to try and get this poor girl to realise her inner beauty. All the while they’re laughing constantly, standing by campfires on the beach and standing together on a cliff as the sun sets behind them. It came to the point where I was pretty much hoping that they’d at least pretend to kiss the girl in the clip, just to liven things up.
Whatever happened to all these broken morals and terrible social sins every preacher seems to be prattling about
How can that be, when these fuckers are popular?
These people that scream clean fun and chaperoned dates more than the Jonas’ brothers “purity rings”?
Cut me a fucking break.
All in all, they suck. I’m sure they can sing but I doubt that’s why they’re popular. I think they’re popular because a bunch of teen-girls get wet when they take their shirts off. I think they’re popular because a bunch of people feel like these fuckers are their knights in shining armour and that they are the kind of nice guy who will treat them right and look after them while writing poems and singing songs. Possibly with an acoustic guitar. I don’t know.
What I do know is that this is a sign of the fucking times. We’re all out of good music. I’ve said before that pretty much all songs on the radio come back to two subjects, love and fun. This song managed to combine them by only singing about one. One Direction sucks. This song sucks. “What Makes You Beautiful” sucks.
And what of it?